Ahhh, the joys of pregnancy. While some mums love being pregnant, most can agree that those final days, weeks (and even months) are not so pleasant.

Not only are you uncomfortable and most likely anxious about going into labour, but it seems like everyone around you turns into an expert on pregnancy and a firm believer that they have the right to offer advice, comments and opinions. And while you may want to slap these people in the face, you don’t. Even if the advice is useful or the comment is meant to be a compliment, it often comes out as bitchy and annoying to a pregnant woman.

So instead of talking, just don’t. Instead of opening your mouth to say something, shut it and walk away. Or, if you really want a mobile phone thrown at your head, then we’ve got the perfect list for you. Read on and discover.

How to Really Piss off a Pregnant Woman in 10 easy steps:

1. Ask her if she’s having TWINS.

Or, better still, ask “Are you sure there is only one in there?”

2. Touch her pregnant belly.

3. Tell her the worst is yet to come.

4. Regale the pregnant woman with your own labour and birth story.

..especially if you just met.

Image via Imgflip

5. Tell her that you know…

1. What she is having by the way she is carrying…
2. What she is eating…
3. What colour of t-shirt she is wearing…
4. Or how she is standing…

Again, bonus points if you have just met her.

6. Drink in front of her.

7. Tell her she looks “ready to pop.”

8. Yawn and tell her how exhausted you are

…because you had to get up once to go to the toilet.

9. Ask her the name of the unborn baby.

And if she happens to answer, make sure you reply with “Oh, I knew someone with that name and she was a bitch/he was a jerk.” or “Ugh. I hate that name.”

Both will equally do the trick.

10. Ask about her plans.

If she is planning on breastfeeding, co-sleeping, swaddling, baby wearing or using the cry it out method. And if she says, “Yes”, make sure you argue why this is the wrong choice.

Bonus Question:

Then calmly show her your toned ass while making your exit. “Oh, and don’t forget to duck because you WILL be hit in the head with a flying object.”

This one is guaranteed.

That should do it. Do you have any pregnant friends? Show her this and let’s see how many nods and ohs and hell yeahs you can get!

PS. We hope you don’t get slapped.

Jenna Gallina is a WAHM mum-of-two children under four and an overactive dog. She relies on nap time, Jimmy Giggle and daycare days to keep the house pseudo cleaned and complete her work before each week is done. And she rarely gets through the day without a glass of wine.