Parenting can be so rewarding and now we found 14 more reasons why it is so good!
Well, we are here to tell you the top ten ways your children will prepare you for the zombie apocalypse!
Once you’ve seen the rainbow of baby poo and been squirted with god-knows-what-else while changing nappies, you will no doubt be so used to disgusting smells and having gross things on you that you will not be affected by any blood, guts or rotting zombie flesh you may encounter.
With a newborn, you are up every couple of hours, functioning like a zombie yourself. This will prepare you for sleeping in shifts to keep watch for any zombie or other undead freak that may want to see what you or your family taste like. You will probably get more sleep running from zombies than you will raising a baby!
If you have ever just gotten a baby to sleep only to drop some super loud, stupid thing and wake them up again, you will have no doubt mastered the art of creeping around. Just like you have tiptoed around your house, taking an hour to unstack a dishwasher in an effort to be silent, you will also need to creep around in an apocalypse to avoid being heard and inadvertently eaten.
Having a newborn — or a 10-year-old (admit it) — is damn hard work and sometimes you go to bed and get out of bed in the same clothes day after day. When you have nowhere to be and no one to impress, why would you bother? When you have only the clothes on your back and live in a post-apocalyptic world, why would you bother?
Nose plugs anyone? When you are so tired and your only sleep is when the baby is sleeping, why would you waste that precious sleep time showering? When you are in mid-apocalypse, it’s a fair bet you won’t be getting much shower time either, so get used to the smell of B.O. and feet now, yours and everybody else’s.
If going outside could result in you getting eaten by a flesh-feasting zombie, you probably would prefer to stay indoors. Raising children also induces this fear of going outside, missing kids, baby getting sunburnt or cold or sick or just sheer exhaustion at the idea of spending an hour getting everyone ready just to get some milk and bread.
Unleashing a couple of bored kids on a room will result in much the same level of destruction as if you were to unleash a couple of zombies on the same room. If your OCD refuses to let you walk past that towel on the floor or picture hanging crooked, start learning to let go. If the undead are chasing you and you just have to stop to dust an ornament, things will not end well for you!
When we’re pregnant, all we want to do is eat but we don’t want to get fat. When we’re breastfeeding, all we want to do is eat, but who has the time or energy for that and I swear everything gives babies gas. When we have kids, all we seem to get to eat is whatever is left when they’re done — that includes your own dinner, if your house is anything like mine. If there isn’t enough of something to go around, generally, mum is the one who offers to miss out to keep the peace. Get used to that – in a zombie apocalypse, there isn’t enough food to go around ever, so you will be forever hungry.
In a world inhabited by zombies, you spend half your life searching for things you need like food. Having kids is much the same when you are forever running out of nappies, food, toilet paper and milk and spend half your life going to the supermarket to restock.
If you live in a world of baby gates, stupid latches on cupboards that are also adult-proof and covers in your power sockets, then you are already well-practised at zombie proofing. The only difference with zombies is everything is bigger — fences, gates, locks, or at least you better hope they are — a baby gate will not stop a hungry zombie!!! Maybe invest in some razor wire too, just to be sure!
In all its beauty and wonder, childbirth is still a pretty dirty affair, lots of blood, mess and general gross stuff. If you and your partner handled that, well then, smashing open some zombie skulls and possibly getting showered in the goo inside may not seem so bad.
Babies don’t speak our language. They make up their own crazy thing and run with that and expect us to figure it out and eventually, you get really good at making something from nothing. In a post apocalyptic world, language barriers are everywhere, you will meet people who don’t speak your language, people too busted up to talk, and a whole bunch of zombies who only speak in moans — though I’m pretty sure they just all say “brains, brains” don’t they?
Kids are great at weighing you down, quite literally. ‘Carry me mum, my bag is too heavy’ and ‘I’m too tired to walk’ are common phrases most parents hear, which generally results in the parent carrying absolutely everything — including the kids! Take this opportunity to build up your strength, when everything you own is in your backpack you want to hope it’s heavy!
Kids never stop. I envy their energy and often find myself unable to keep up for long periods of time. Consider this free training for the apocalypse as there will be lots of running to be done then from things that want to eat you and right now, your kids are your best personal trainer.