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As parents, we want to give our children the gifts of confidence and high self-esteem. We want to shower them with our affection and adoration with the hopes this love will fuel their souls. We have the best intentions, and yet we miss something critical: confidence is an inside job.
How do we help our kids develop their confidence unless we tell them how incredible they are? There is mounting evidence on the significance of mindset, in this case, a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. When a person believes their traits or qualities are fixed or unchangeable, they lose motivation to take risks, struggle to overcome challenges, and wither in the face of failure. When people believe they can change, grow, and adapt, they are more willing to take on reasonable risks, persevere through challenges, and learn through mistakes.
The science behind the growth mindset has everything to do with neural plasticity, the understanding that our brains are constantly rewiring based on our life experiences. This includes the environment around us, what goes into our bodies (food, supplements, medications, the quality of the air we breathe and water we drink), and even our internal thoughts and emotions. Just imagine: the structure of your brain after you finish reading this article will be different from before reading it! Our brains are constantly changing. We can use this neural plasticity to our advantage, especially when helping our childrenâs brains make healthy connections.
Choosing to cultivate a growth mindset influences how we respond to our children and their behavior. Rather than use praise, which evaluates our childrenâs qualities or the outcome of their effort, we use affirmations that celebrate our childrenâs process and the growth they achieve as a result. This is a tricky distinction, so itâs alright to feel a bit confused at first. Letâs look at some features of affirmations to see how they differ from traditional praise.
When using affirmations, we want the child to experience their own feelings, not internalize ours. When we tell a child, âIâm so proud of you,â we send the message that we feel good about their actions, regardless of what they think. When we say, âYou must be so proud of yourself,â we allow the child the space to consider how they feel. They might agree and internalize, âYes, I AM proud of myself!â Or be authentic in sharing, âActually, I donât think that was my best.â We want our children to develop an awareness of their feelings, which can be different from ours.
How many times each day do we say, âGood job!â without recognizing the details? Telling our kids âGood jobâ can create praise junkies: kids who only do things if they receive praise and feel shame when they donât. You can share your delight in your childâs activities by being more specific. Again, letting them feel their own pride, joy, and confidence. You simply need to name the action: âWow! You walked across the room on your two feet!â Or âOh my! You stacked up ten blocks!â Or âCool! You added so many different colors to your picture.â
When we observe and state what we see, we give our children the gift of forming their own reactions and evaluations of their experiences. This may feel boring or mundane, and thatâs alright. Our children donât need us to cheer them on for every little move. They need us to be with them as they celebrate on their terms.
Traditional praise is unilateral: I am judging what you did (even if itâs a positive judgment like talented, intelligent, kind, or loving). It lacks reflection and blocks opportunities to connect through empathy. It assumes the child feels the same as the adult, which undermines the childâs sovereignty. When we are clear about our feelings and allow and accept our childrenâs distinct feelings, we honor their experiences and validate their individuality.
We arenât aiming to be stoic, unfeeling beings; we intend to express our feelings while teaching our children to express their own. Rather than saying, âYou give the best snuggles,â we can say, âI feel so warm and loved when we snuggle!â The child gets to have their own feelings (which can certainly mirror ours) without any expectation that they must be the same as ours. In his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg describes three components of appreciation: âthis is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.â Using this formula to convert compliments and praise into authentic appreciation allows our children to learn and grow from the experience.
Considering these differences between traditional praise and supportive affirmations, you can begin to hear the subtle changes in how a child would receive the messages. You can also see how affirmations support your child to develop their true sense of themselves: their inner confidence from their internal experience. Use this list as a starting point for affirming your child. Donât worry about getting it right or wrong. If nothing else, just tell them every day, âThank you for being my baby. I love you.â
Using these affirmations can help you boost your childâs confidence and self-esteem by celebrating their growth and confirming your love for them. What a great gift to give your child!