Martha Beck is a sociologist and life coach and the author of The Way of Integrity. In this mini advice series, she’s answering readersā most urgent āwhat if?ā questions as they contemplate redirecting their lives towards a new future.
Iām a 33-year-old woman who has always said Iād freeze my eggs if I didnāt have kids by 35. Itās something Iāve saved for. Now Iām a little over a year from āthe age,ā single, and canāt imagine having kids. I mean, I love children but having them seems like Iād just be choosing to be stressed out all the time, and when I get stressed, my overall functioning plummets. How could I put a kid in that mix? I canāt imagine making that choice now, or ever. What if I just didnāt do it? I want to trust myself, to trust that I donāt need to do this. But usually the way I manage anxiety is to have a plan…and a backup plan. Can I really ditch the backup plan?
I almost never give anyone any advice beyond telling them to trust themselves. So trust yourself. If the following opinion sounds wrong to you, ignore it.
That said, Iām weighing in hard on this topic.
Iāve coached several people through the journey of IVF (in vitro fertilization). Many of them said that just a few years earlier they couldnāt imagine wanting children. But hereās the thing: We change. Our wants and dreams change. And Iāve seen that when the urge to have a child kicks in, it can be intense. Iāve seen women experience terrible regret because they had a chance to save their precious DNA and didnāt take it.
There are very few objects youāll ever possess that are literally priceless and irreplaceable. Your eggs are among them. Not many women think about that when theyāre 33. If your instincts have led you to save up money for freezing eggs, Iād pay attention to that little inner nudge. Itās unusual. It may be there for a reason.
While freezing your eggs is not foolproofāthere are no guarantees you’ll be able to conceive laterāyou may be kicking yourself, hard, for decades if you opt out now. Look at it this way: If you freeze eggs now and never want a baby, youāll have wasted some effort and expense. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who are desperately looking for donors, and you could change their lives if you chose to help them.
Iāve watched this happen. Iāve been shocked and moved by the emotional and physical trauma of women who are trying to conceive in middle age. Some therapists compare the IVF process to cancer treatment. Would-be parents must endure The Hunger Games in which the number of healthy eggs go down drastically at every stage of the IVF process. I would hate to see youāor anyoneāgo through that.
Again, because Iāve watched women regret their earlier choices, Iām deeply biased on this topic. So please, please follow your instincts. Whatever you decide, make sure the choice comes from your deepest core.
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