Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet the topic remains taboo.
Is it shame, a sense of failure or are there other reasons why we donât share this common occurrence, even with close friends and family?
Itâs extremely common for mums-to-be to hide their pregnancies until they reach the 12-week mark, with the 12-week scan being one of the big milestones. The first proof of life!
The fact that we hide our pregnancies from those closest to us up until this point is to ensure that we donât have to then turn around and confess âmy baby didnât have a heartbeatâ or âIâve miscarried and lost my babyâ indicates that weâre preparing to hide this dark secret before it even happens.
If you lose a child, a dog, a parent, a friend, or your bloody iPhone, youâre entitled to sympathy, support and understanding of those around you, but if you lose your babyâŠshhhhhh.
Well, why?
Why are we so afraid that someone might find out that weâve had a miscarriage?
I lost a baby 6 years ago and it was one of the single darkest moments of my life, the thought that someone would find out (at the time) absolutely horrified me, and this is why.
via stjosephlangley.com
A sense of failure
I have no idea why women feel this way, why I felt this way, but losing that baby was one of the top 3 failures of my life. Was it that one bite of the hotdog that I took from a corner vendor in New York, then promptly spat out from the guilt? Was it the orgasm I had that caused massive cramping afterwards? I just couldnât sleep and my legs were so restless.
Was it because I invited my dog Scooby to sit up on the couch with me and he gave me a little nudge in the belly? Or was it that I just wasnât enough of a woman to carry a baby?
Thereâs no logical reason, yet women feel a sense of shame over losing a baby. Donât try to explain it away. Itâs there and thereâs nothing you can do about it.
When the blood comes out your vaginaâŠ
Well yes it does, and thatâs natural. I think somehow this might contribute to the embarrassment of the announcement, somehow. I canât be sure, but we keep our periods a secret, the end result of a miscarriage is quite similar, we bleed.
Weâre not like guys, we donât freely talk about what goes on in the cubicle, in fact, weâre likely to cause ourselves internal injury holding âitâ in rather than make an inappropriately appropriate noise in a public restroom.
Perhaps the embarrassment of what a miscarriage does to your body is a part of the taboo topic.
via redbookmag.com
Peopleâs reactions
Nobody, and I mean nobody, except a mummy-to-be-that-wasnât-to-be can understand how hurtful people are with their attempts at comforting a woman who has been through a miscarriage.
Hereâs some of my favourites:
âDonât worry, youâll have another one.â
So if your dog died and I smiled and patted you on the back and told you âjust buy another oneâ, how would you feel? I want THAT baby, not another baby!
âItâs not your fault.â
Are you a doctor, do you know that for sure? Your words are meaningless to me. Whereâs your proof? Nice attempt at trying to make me feel better, should I smile and say thank you?
âIt wasnât a baby yet.â
Well to me it was, and it wasnât just a baby, it was my baby, my hopes and dreams, my family, my everything. Come closer so I can slap you!
Sorry for sounding a little sarcastic and aggressive, but thinking about the comments took me back to how I felt. I was hurting and most the comments did nothing but make it worse.
How to help a friend who has had a miscarriage
So Iâve told you the things not to say, here are a few suggestions on how you can help:
Talk to her.
I think a lot of people are afraid to bring up the topic as they donât want to remind them of whatâs happened. Let me tell you something to change your thinking. Sheâs already thinking about it 24 x 7, bringing it up with her simply shows that you care.
www.popsugar.com.au
Donât pretend you understand.
If youâve never lost a baby, donât even try to understand it. Thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you donât know what to say, just tell her that youâre there to listen or do anything that she needs.
Buy her something to remember the baby.
Again, sheâs already thinking of her lost bub, sheâs already sobbing herself to sleep at night, so buy her a stuffed toy for the baby she lost, sheâll have something to cuddle when sheâs alone.
If youâre a mum-to-be or a mum who has lost a bub, stand up and tell people. Stop hiding it. Talk about it openly so that future mums know that they arenât alone. Maybe we can make their loss a little easier, make them feel that itâs normal. Itâs not an uncommon occurrence.
If youâre a friend or family member of a woman who has had a miscarriage, thereâs one simple rule to follow:
Donât trivialise what sheâs feeling. If you canât understand it, say âIâm so sorry, Iâm hereâ and just give her a hug.
Share your story, stop the shame.
